Briefcases, Seasalt Icecreams and Lake Rosa
by loveisover
Summary: AU! Akuroku, potentially other pairings. Yaoi. In a small southern ocean town, Roxas tries to solve the mystery behind his mothers sudden death, his feelings towards his childhood bestfriend and aspiring lawyer, Axel, and his reoccurring nightmares.
1. Tacky Crosses and Pickups

****_Chapter One - Tacky Crosses and Pickups_

_"To ourselves we unite_

_We can be the new beginning"  
><em>

Black tux, black shoes, black bruises.

It's funny how even in death a life is reflected before you. It still feels like the person is there, hanging back in the audience, in the pews, behind corners, under doorways. Their name is held beneath every ones tongues, just a breath away.

But no one says anything.

And even if you cling to the headboards, to the point of splinters, and even if you scream into pillows, skies and empty alleyways, that transition is the hardest feeling in the world. It's too sudden. It's too long. You have to get away from the people because they'll never shut up and they're constant reminders with 'are you okay' and 'it'll be alright' and how will it be? Why will it be? Everything should never work right ever again. Everything should stay the same. It won't be all right. It's not going to be, it never will be, and nothings wrong in the first place because they're not gone. Not yet.

"Roxas"

I jerk my head back from the rainbow of a disproportionate Jesus and focus my gaze on the purest form of red I'd ever seen. I stare back into the disturbingly calm eyes of my best friend- my childhood friend- the one who'd stood beside me no matter what, who could recite every detail of my life back to me as I could to him. He forced a smile; cat-like ends of eyes unwrinkled and tried to re-gather his words he'd previously lined up. I continue to stare. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm glad he's here.

"Axel." I reply. My voice was supposed to be gritty and aggressive but it breaks somewhere in between and melts to nothing. Burned, dry hands with their undeniable warmth are laid over mine briefly and reassuringly as the entire church is ordered to stand and the ceremony begins. I don't think too hard about the hands on mine or how we must look. I just think about my mother, always my mother and what the fuck is going to happen to me now.

I think about the suit I'm in and the sweat that's condensing under my bangs and the urge I have to wipe it away but instead I'm clutching the bible in my hands like it's a life preserver. I think Axel notices how tightly I was holding onto the bible at that point. Maybe he was thinking the same things as me. The look on his face is pleading to get out of there, his eyebrows furrowed and sweat was sliding down his neck. It was way too hot in here and everywhere for that matter in the summer. Tuxedos don't help with the heat.

I know what he wants to say. I know he nor I ever could.

So we don't say anything.

"_We are gathered here today, to celebrate the life"_

I don't think I could hear correctly. I felt like I was drowning myself. Like oxygen didn't flow around me or within me, that somehow it'd simply stopped. I was connected to her casket, the one I didn't get a single say on. I kept staring, hoping that she'd lift up the sides, or bang on it, admitting this was some kind of joke, or that she wasn't actually dead or that she was okay wherever she was or that-

…_of our dearly beloved_

I wonder what its like to drown and to never wake up- to die and exist in the hearts of disobedient and self centered people, to leave behind nothing to your only child, nothing but bittersweet memories that they don't have the stomach to hang onto. I wonder how she felt, underneath the surface of the water, watching as her lungs expanded, expanded-

…_loving mother and loving wife_

I am convinced my father killed her. That he was the last thing she saw as she desperately tried to swim to the surface, losing precious life and breath as she screamed his name between gulps of frozen water. I don't care about the liquid that's seeping down my cheeks now. All I care about is restraining the noise.

…_Our holy father_

Is there even a soul that resided within her? Did it crawl out from within her as she perished or is it forever frozen within that lake, beneath its own personal casket of waves? They say she looked like an angel when they found her twirling lifelessly in the depths, hands caught in frayed rope-

…_The Kingdom of God_

And I wonder how a God can ever exist when I am so sad, when everyone is so sad. I am selfish and I am upset and I don't care. I want to die like my mother. I want to sleep and sleep and forever sleep and not have to find a resolution to any of these nagging feelings. I feel like I am staring at everyone's faces, the worried or sympathetic or careless faces, through a haze or a looking glass. I am beneath the surface, and I can't breathe.

The only difference is that I don't want to get out.

Axel lunges for me before my knees can finally give out. Wordlessly, he ushers me out of the crowded church through the back doors as strangers and people I'd never bothered to remember trail back and forth through the pews to receive the 'blood and flesh of Christ'.

He's whispering something to me but I can't hear it. Words crawl towards me too long after they'd been said. The world is spinning a little too fast, I'm walking a little too slow- I'm not walking at all. I close my eyes and I'm being hoisted up, gently and carefully like a piece of glass, and laid into Axel's tattered pickup.

He's calculating something as he looks at me. His eyes are sharp now, nervous, wavering. The green of his eyes seems to glow around his pale flesh.

"I'm only keeping you in here for a minute, so don't worry" I'm not worried, I'm glad. He spins the keys in the ignition as he jerks the air conditioning on full blast. "I know it's weird I'm here" It's not. It's totally expected and in his every nature. My mother was more of a mother to him then the one he had. "but I'm glad I'm here." His eyes crinkle, genuine smile. He looses his tie as he speaks, leaning back into the fabric of the seats. "I couldn't help but miss you kiddo, there's no one like you on the mainland."

I let out air that I'd been holding in. I don't know how long or when I'd started but it just keeps coming. I'm unraveling. All the weight is released from my shoulders and everything just feels _normal _sitting in Axel's old truck, in the church parking lot, on a perfect summer's day. It feels right just listening to him talk and being close and having that anchor. Having the redhead seated beside me, the anger and loneliness melt away into nothing beneath me.

"I missed you too." The words are tight as my foolish mouth lets them loose. It's times like these that Sora would make fun of; even though we weren't a couple we would say shit like this and act so _together_. I don't know how many years I spent wishing that the stuff Sora would accuse us of was true. I could never stop thinking about the flawless Axel, the interesting Axel, the wonder and curiosity he was. He kept me on my feet and begging for more- but he was too wrapped up in himself to ever realize. Or he was just too oblivious. We always acted this way.

Axel laughs, running his hands through his hair. Its cold in the car now, perfect temperature and I'm starting to feel more and more normal and relaxed.

"I'm doing my internship now, so that means I can stay around here for a month or so. Although, Roxas," He's serious now, giving me direct eye contact and holding it. "you should come with me. You need to get out of here. Got it memorized?"

I nod.

Axel glances at the clock and then at me. He pats my leg, asks me if I'm okay and he hops out of the truck, demanding to help me down in case I'm still dizzy.

I think about all the ways Axel has changed and the ways the world around me hasn't. The church looks the same the day it did when I was here for my First Communion, the same as it did when Namine's sister Xion was born, the same as forever. The graveyard is filled with bashful crosses and the wood and tombstones are bleached with the summer heat. Trees hang loosely, same as always.

It's comforting but strange. It'll never be the same without mom. She's a piece of invisible scenery now, a memory that dashes to life at pictures and sounds of real things inside of my heart and mind.

I try to etch the feeling of Axel's arms around my waist and the smell of books and ink that clings to his hair- so that when he eventually dies or finally gets bored of me or leaves me I won't forget them. He doesn't notice.

As we walk inside I feel the weight readjust itself over my shoulders. They're saying the last words and I'm standing in the very back, staring at that hateful casket that's finally taking my mother away from me.

It's a week after the funeral and I still can't get the image of a tacky cross standing out sorely on the shore of our lake. Even though it's summer, I bought a fake flower when everyone else bought expensive fancy ones, with elaborate colors and details.

Mine was a plastic white rose.

I stuck it in the clumpy mud and rocks and shoved the stem so far in that it brushed with the part of the cross that couldn't be seen outside of the ground. I feel like my rose is the best out of all the flowers. It'll never wilt away. It'll stay this same shade, this same shape, connected to her cross that isn't connected to her as long as it can. I don't really know if mom even liked roses. I don't think she even really liked flowers.

Thinking about it now I really don't know anything about mom. I never did. Even though I loved her and she loved me we didn't talk about everything and anything. She'd listen to me, she supported me but there were pieces of my life that I kept secret and separate and their were pieces of her life that I could never understand. I feel like this intimacy I feel staring at her cross is something she should be feeling and not me. But then I realize that people aren't supposed to bury their young.

Its funny because no one talked to me at the funeral except for Axel. And no one talked to me at the private burial. And when they gave me my tiny little urn and my tiny piece of mom and said I could 'let her free wherever I wanted' but I didn't want to so I put her in my pocket and made a small promise to the spirit of her- the one that was stuck in the lake or the one that was floating around aimlessly somewhere, or 'smiling down on me'- that I'd let her go somewhere that was truly beautiful and that I wouldn't do it until I was sure.

And people don't talk to me here at the restaurant either. Working here at the Clocktower is nice that way. In all aspects of my life since graduating high school I've made a name for myself where people just leave me alone. I don't like people. I don't get people. Sometimes I think imaginary people and animals are my only friends. The only person I really talk to recently is Sora and he's always busy and even he keeps our conversations short. Simple reassurances, greetings, 'how are you's'. Sometimes he stops by my apartment that I bought once I'd graduated school last year and he drops off food. I feel like a pet when he does that. I told him and he stopped.

It's a shock to have Axel in town because he's the only person that I've remained close to. Even though we don't keep much contact- he calls me once a month to check up on me, sends me birthday gifts and visits whenever he can- we stay close no matter how far apart we get. He's in a professional school for gifted lawyers. It was always his dream. And I'm stuck here doing absolutely nothing, useless and unsure what to make of myself. I'm nothing compared to him. Even though I started this job here to get money so I could go to some university near Axel, I'm left indecisive and convinced that this job is probably the end of it for me.

I scrub these same tables everyday, wiped clean the filth and the age and the leftovers, time and time again. It was weird working today because it'd be another 'first time without mom' thing. Like the first time I got in the car after mom died, and the first time I went to sleep after mom died, and the first time I ate after mom died...

I don't know why any of those firsts were significant at all but they stuck out to me. Life without her is awkward and doesn't feel right. It's like trying to learn how to run after forgetting how to crawl or after years of useless legs. I am wobbly and clumsy and lost. The concept that I'd be doing any of those things without her was foreign. I'd completely taken her for granted.

To do the same thing repeatedly tonight was a blessing, though. It was simple, no thought involved. I could just happily sink into my thoughts, douse the sponge in the tangerine scented water, squeeze delicately, and scrub into the velvet stained wood. Rinse, lather, repeat. I let out my breath evenly, the table quivering under my steady work. Even though I want to rub my eyes I resist the urge. I don't want to get soap in my eyes and I really don't want anyone asking me if anything is wrong.

I pick up the soiled plates and stack them onto the lean tray I've got seated onto the chairs of the booth that I'm worked on. I'll have to take them to the kitchen at some point but we're not busy tonight. I'm glad I can take my time. The Clocktower was always known for its slack though. I think that's why I haven't quit yet. I always manage to weasel my way out of any situation once the going gets the slightest bit difficult.

The signature squeal of my cell phone begins to play as it springs to life in my apron. It's playing "I'm too sexy" so I know exactly who it is. I pick it up right away.

"Axel?"

The other end is a little fuzzy, sounds like wind and people. "….xas…. shift…almo….over right?"

I press the phone closer to my ear as though it'll help.

"Yeah, my shifts almost over, why?"

"….found….sea…lt….ic…m" The static flares aggressively. "Something's happened."

My stomach drops.

What else could possibly go wrong?


	2. Ghosts in Charcoal

_Chapter Two- Ghosts in Charcoal _

_"But your silver skin soothes my aching curses_  
><em> and reminds me<em>  
><em> That you're worth it."<em>

Axel's leaning over the table that's gleaming after being cleaned. He's soaked by warm rain, running his fingers through his hair in an effort to comfort himself. My coworker Hayner got us each something warm to drink- green tea for me and coffee for Axel- and looked after the restaurant without me having to punch out before the end of my shift.

The rain drops roll from the angles of Axels face and fall abruptly to the table. My stomach lurches as I try to convince myself he's not crying. Axel never cried. Even when we were children, he was the one to comfort me. I'd only seen him cry once and that was the aftermath of a fight he'd gotten into because of me.

His cheeks are flushed but I convince myself it's the romantic lighting that makes him look rosy. He stares at his coffee with an emotion that is so disengaged I can't recognize it and he laughs nervously.

I try to ignore that anything could possibly be going wrong. I sip from the cheap tea and gaze along at everything in the restaurant- the wooden plated walls, the tiny Disney figurines haphazardly placed onto shelves and the play neon graffiti lining the walls. The rain gently slides down the tall windows. Car lights can be seen but they're dim tonight, their lights sloshed out by the reflection of water.

Axel's chapped lips part as he finally grasps the words he's been meaning to say. His eyes are puffy- and it's not the lighting- his cheeks _are_ pink. The badass pyromaniac himself had been crying. It was undeniable.

"Roxas," The ideas of what he's about to say gush through my head at this moment. Did he lose his job? Did someone else die? Is he leaving forever?

Does he love someone?

"What?" I manage, eyebrows furrowed. I'm worried. I'm jealous.

"You're going to need me more than we both thought."

I pause, setting my tea on the table and trying to register what he just said. Before I could ask, he continues.

"Your brother called me," his eyes get glassy again as he lets the words out. "He said you're going to need a lawyer."

I don't realize that this means someone thought I'd killed my own mother. I don't realize that this means I'm going to have to court and repeat all of my thoughts and feelings about death and this loss for the next however long it takes. I don't realize anything.

"What?"

"Roxas," Axel's shoulders sink as he reaches for my hands again, holding them tightly in his own. He's crying for me. He's afraid. I can feel his legs quivering just like his voice underneath the table. "I don't know if I can protect you-"

"Axel, I don't understand." It hasn't hit me.

He lets go of one of my hands to comb his fingers through his disheveled fiery hair. He continues the comforting gesture, hand clutching tighter.

"I know you wouldn't do it. But," He stops, takes a long breath. The metallic whirring of fans and the classic rock radio station are playing in the background. "Rox…"

I think I start laughing but I don't know why or when. I want to do everything but laugh. It rolls out of somewhere I can't recognize, as tears fall down my face and I'm clutching my sides, leaning into the worn leather of the booth. I'm laughing and laughing and laughing and I can't stop. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I stop. Maybe if I can just laugh like this it'll all evaporate all the problems and the shit that's happening to me. I don't know why I'm so upset when death is a natural part of life but I'm angry and I'm guilty because I know I could have prevented it. I keep thinking about all of the old things I used to do and people I used to know. I think about the cabin and back when dad wasn't in the picture and me and Sora were just kids. Shit like being on sports teams and looking perfect and being able to talk to people didn't matter. You were you, that was what mattered. Mom was happy when I'd give her a picture Namine helped me draw, she was happy when I could read her an elementary story, she was happy when I said anything nice and suddenly along the way I was unable to make her happy anymore and now she never will be.

She'll feel nothing.

She'll never be proud of me. She never was. Who could be? I was completely gay for my best friend, antisocial and probably insane, graduated with a 70 percent average, was left working in a shabby restaurant for the rest of my fucking life, on top of being accused of murder.

My laughter had shifted to tears. I'm wailing without any shame. For the second time, I'm glad we're not busy tonight.

I think Axel's crying too and we just sit there with untouched cold drinks and break for what seems like forever. He gets up and lays one of his easily earned twenties onto the table. He reaches for me with familiar arms and we end up back in his car.

I don't know how long we wept.

"Let's go see her grave." Axel turns to face me after we'd been sitting in his car for a good thirty minutes. We're both silent, numb. It's that moment after crying when you are left hollow and dried up, breathing shallow and eyes heavy.

I nod. Axel wasn't invited to come to the private burial. I wouldn't mind being close to mom right now anyway.

I miss the lake and the cabin.

As Axel revs his car to life I slide off my apron and visor, tossing them into the backseat of the truck. I sink into my seat, staring out the window. The wipers quiver as they inch over the glass, back and forth, back and forth.

I like this about Axel. He knows when to talk and when not to. Although he's comforting, right now I don't feel confident in holding up a conversation. It's just alright sitting next to him.

He knows the exact route. He doesn't have to ask for any directions. It's getting later now, to the point where there's barely any active traffic. Its just rain and black and streetlights. Red, orange, yellow, green twisting and blurring as we roll along the rickety road.

The trees become a black haze, mirror images and nostalgic lights. We turn further away from civilization towards the dirt road that leads to our cabin.

I don't even know who owns it now.

I can feel the ghosts the closer we get to the grave. The ghosts of memories haunt me, closing in and awakening homesickness. I can hear the voices of people I'd tried to make myself forget, can feel the touches of the hands that are covered in the dark, the growing dark.

It's suffocating.

The memories are becoming me and I realize how far apart I am from who I used to be. The person I was in the summer heat and haze is not me now. I am different and so much older and not so naive. I'm not as brave as I promised myself I would be. I kept promising myself that I'd show Axel that song I wrote for him, or that picture I drew for him, or I'd take him to the Usual Spot across the lake and just tell him. Tell him everything I ever felt and let him run away from me if he wanted to. They all did anyway.

But I can't stomach not being with him. He's routine, he's just a piece of me as the sun fits with the moon and light casts shadow. When we don't participate in our immature rituals- like the phone calls and birthday gifts, I feel like a piece of me withers away and I'm growing further still from _me_, from _'Roxas'_- whoever that person is.

It's childish but I gave him this power and I grant it to him every time I let him get closer to me. He's going to be the absolute death of me.

He always has been.

"Axel," I turn to face him as we continue down the charcoal narrow road, "can you be my lawyer?"

He smiles his signature smile. It's one of the things I love about him most. "I don't know if I'm the best choice Rox, I'm not even done with university."

I think about my choices but nothing makes sense other than having Axel on my side. He knows me best. He won't tell me to plead guilty for a lighter sentence or to bullshit anything that isn't true. I know how talented he is and I know he'll fight tooth and nail. I wouldn't trust myself with anyone else. So I tell him.

"I wouldn't trust anyone else." I admit. I thought I'd sound more poetic but I don't. It comes out sappy and feminine and I feel embarrassed.

He pauses for a minute and doesn't say anything. He's calculating, I can almost hear the thoughts as he thinks them. My heart is fluttering and I'm nervous, I feel like I'd asked him to be my date or to accompany me down the aisle. It's another sense of misplaced intimacy.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay." He smiles again but I know this time its fake. He's worried that he won't be able to defend me.

I'm going to try not to worry about it. There's so much more that we have to go through. I'm just a _suspect_, after all, so far.

Instead I'm going to sink into this empty trail and make believe. I'll ignore the feelings and pretend someone else is driving and that its summer vacation and that I have school in two weeks…

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The water lazily laps at the shore. Its calm as ever, completely undisturbed and tempting. It's graceful with each stand and bow it takes, tumbling over itself and waiting at the shore for the others before getting bored and wandering back in. The moon isn't visible, it's been vacated by low clouds. The rain joins the shore and the wet sand clings to my sneakers like mud, suction smacking loudly in the damp air.

Axel is standing beside the white cross that gleams in the pitch black. He's dragging his fingers along the indents and ridges of the wood; his hair is nearly straight from the rain.

A mournful look washes over his face as he kneels before it and begins to pray. I don't question what he's doing. I just stand back. I don't hear his words, just the warm trickle of water against water. He leans his head against the painted wood, just as lost as I am.

He rises and doesn't bother with his muddy dress pants. Instead he turns back to me and flashes me a failed smile.

It took everything in me not to hug him.

"Remember when we used to come back here every summer?" Axel speaks the words that've been on my mind for hours.

"Remember when we were kids?" I joke, taking a step closer to him. "The summers never used to end."

Axel smiled.

So did I.

The rain soaked us to the very core as we stood in comfortable silence, remembering and forgetting.

My summer vacation is finally over.


	3. A Constellation of Waves and Hearts

_Chapter 3 - A Constellation of Waves and Hearts_

_"Miracles, yes, I've seen_

_You are the strong, and I am the weak_

_It's raining and it's so cold..._

_You are alive inside me"  
><em>

_Sora's rolling on the waves like he was born on them. He's a mess of matted hair and slick skin, tumbling over and under the water, laughing as he reaches the top and reaches for the culprits who are splashing the water. He leaps at Riku and Kairi before the trio all slip under the shallow waves. Riku acts like he's bothered but his shoulders are quivering and he's suppressing full out laughter. Kairi's trying to make her hair look presentable for the two boys whilst they wrestle and make up contests to see who can win naming rights, building rights, rights of who gets the last of the penny candy..._

_Axels chasing after Xion on the sand, hands outstretched and hair tied in a low ponytail. She's only three, but she took such a shine to him like all the rest of us. He took care of her since the second she was born and we all kind of felt like she was one of our own sisters._

_Namines laid next to me, carelessly humming as she doodles the mountains and trees with oil pastels, fingers and nails smudged in rainbow. Once in a while she checks on Axel and Xion and smiles affectionately._

_I'm reapplying sunscreen and working as spf police, yelling out to Axel as he hoists Xion over his shoulders._

_After a while Sora, Riku and Kairi come to the shore and run off to the sides of the forest for their raft which was their summer project. Namine holds Xion as she sleeps and Axel gets out sea salt ice creams. The two of us sit with our backs to the waves and laugh about stupid things that didn't really matter._

_It's like the waves were just a part of us as we were a part of them back then. They'd wash around my shoulders and neck, push and pull until me and Axel were pulled together, closer. It's like there was a current beginning between us, we were just drawn to each other. Slow, uneasy steps and open arms, we'd meet one another, every day, every night. Slowly the shore and the beach became memories of us and family and not individuals. Like the different particles that mold together and flow to create the waves themselves, we fit, and we were a perfect cycle._

_The sun would rise and fall but the people stayed the same. The heat was constant, decorated by low chirps of frogs and sound of wet feet on loose sand. Faces got older, wiser. As the summers slipped by the girls stayed closer and closer to the shore, longer lashes and more careful of their hair. Sora and Riku's contests became heated and they were always silently begging and pleading for Kairi and Namine- their affection, their approval, anything._

_Axel got taller each year. He towered above the rest of us- he loved to shove that in Sora's face. His hair grew longer, wilder. Even the way he moved along the shore and the fields became majestic, pure and completely graceful. He didn't have to try. His natural beauty spoke to me like the hazy mountains spoke to Namine in her artwork._

_We'd slip away from the others alone, 'partners' as Axel dubbed us from reading too many mystery novels. He had such an insatiable curiosity that burned within him like fire. He had to know, had to create. Where I would see a clearing he'd made a hideout, where I'd seen empty trees he'd found canvases, and where I saw the end he saw the beginning._

_We'd run through this empty field of tall sun bleached wild grass together, racing. We'd run until our lungs begged for us to stop but we'd keep going, racing each other as the field rolled downwards and creased. He'd laugh, always laughing, and we'd finally collapse somewhere completely untouched. We'd stare at the empty sky and he'd tell me how full it was, pointing at clouds like they were the work of artists themselves. We'd always be close like that, so close that I could hear his frantic heartbeat until it finally relaxed to a dull beat. His hair would tickle my face. He'd sometimes hold me in his arms without shame, like it was completely normal but I knew it was special. I knew it meant something, I knew I was special. I was just as special to him as he was to me._

_Sometimes he'd get it in his head to fish but I never could kill anything and Axel could never catch anything. Other times we'd try to scale up the mountainside but I'd give up fast and we'd decide to dangle our feet and procrastinate about going back to the cabin. My mom had shown us Wishing Trees, which were basically gangly, old trees that'd grown together to form hollows in the middle of the trunks wide enough for people to sit comfortably in. They were strange in a way, but mom would plop both me and Sora onto the trees and she'd tell us to be very careful making our wishes. It became ritual for me and Axel to climb into one of the 'wishing trees' and read our favorite books and poetry to each other. I'd occasionally slip in a poem that was written by me and he'd compliment me until I felt like I was going to burst._

_There are so many memories that I have with him that I sometimes feel like he is a part of me._

_Sometimes the memories are rooted so deep its like it didn't happen but it is you. Memories that alter you forever without you knowing- simple things like the way mom sang as she cooked or the lake itself. It's just an object- right? Over time and after so many years the memories and objects brew inside of you until they're so much more than that. That lake is my entire childhood._

_A mass of waves._

_Axel had spent the entire day with me wandering. It was nearing the end of summer vacation, seeing as the rest of the gang had demanded to be in town for the blitz tournaments. Axel was never one for those kinds of things. On top of that, the adventures I went on with Axel were always worth more than a contest. I'd figure out who would win later._

_We walked a trail that had been crumpled by hooves and atvs, small enough for us to get through without the brush slicing our exposed flesh. He stood close to me, closer than normal. Eventually he decided to just reach for my hand. He didn't let it go the entire time we walked the trail and the two of us acted like we were still walking side by side. We knew to stay close to the cabin because I didn't want to worry mom but we strayed just far enough to our pre determined borders._

_He stopped, not letting go of my hand. He looked up to the star filled sky and started with poetry. He repeated two really old ones with beautifully sounding words that didn't quite make sense but were fun to say and sounded intelligent. Then, with childish eyes that were closer to mine because our height wasn't so differentiated back then, he asked:_

_"Do you think maybe hearts are connected like constellations?"_

_I giggled- partly because of the blood that was rushing to my face from having him so close, and partly because I couldn't understand any of my feelings or compulsions at that moment. For once in his life, the felineic boy didn't laugh. Instead his gaze intensified. He drew his spare hand to his chest, over his own heart._

_"I think ours are."_

_It was that moment that I realized I couldn't have been anything but in love with him._

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

We enter the darkness barefoot, drenched and cold. We're alone, empty-handed and hollowed out on the inside. We don't need flashlights- we know this trail from our daydreams and our childhood nightmares. It's as easy as sleepwalking.  
>Stray rain scrapes down leaves until it hits others. It holds the illusion that it's still raining. We wouldn't have known the difference and on top of that we're too wet to care. As we enter and the sand gives way to pebbles and mud Axel takes my hand in his. I want him to be closer, but don't say anything.<br>Every time he gets close to me I want him to be closer. I want to feel his bones and find a place in them, just like he seems to be able to do with me just with a simple look.  
>I sweep away the branches and ferns as they slid towards us. Axel walks blindly, clenching whenever he has to let his eyes readjust or when he's trailing a little too slow behind me. After the rain the only sound is his breath and mine. It steams from his lips, evaporating into the cool air. It's driving me crazy.<br>The trail narrows now, overgrown from when we were regulars here. Too many summers left behind, too forgotten. Maybe it's us, growing wider and taller and becoming older. We're not the same children we were when we lived in these trails.  
>"I don't recognize any of this," Axel whispers. I realize how close his face is to mine and shudder. "Are we lost?"<br>"No," I try to control my breathing and my voice. I don't know whats coming over me but I'm leaving it to being nineteen, in the dark, and so fucking close to the one person who's the exact thing I think about when- I stumble over a rock and bless the pain for taking me away from the trails I was walking in my mind. Axel reaches for me but I shrug him off, distracting one of his hands with mine as I lace our fingers together. I think I hear him smile but it's probably just the leftover rain.  
>"You okay?"<br>"Yeah, I'm fine."  
>He pauses in his reply, looking back in forth in the empty forest blindly. "Are you sure we're not lost, Watson?"<br>I laugh, glad he remembers the pet names we gave each other. "What do you think, Sherlock?"  
>The further we venture, the closer we get to each other. I can feel Axels breath, smell his hair and shampoo, his wet skin. I'm begging for the clearing to come, the Usual Spot but it's taking so long and I'm betting we actually might be lost. I don't know what I'll do in here. It's dark, it's wet, I'm cold and I can't get sick. I have a bright future of probable court and or jail.<p>

I try to think of what life will be like when we get back into the pickup and I have to face tomorrow; another day. It's not going to end just because I want it to. Regardless of how much I'd like to just let time slip and sink around me nothing can make it stop. No matter how hard I dig my heels into the ground it's going to drag me forward, using whatever means necessary. And those means usually come with faces of police and dollar bills. There's no reason. Just like my mother, time will extinguish me. No warning. It'll just happen.

It could probably happen to the person holding my hand before me.

I think about the stars that connect us, like Axel promised. I think about the heart that is connected to mine by vessels and unspoken contracts- ones I wished I had the nerve to say. It's undeniable, the fixation I have on him. I'm too worried to ask if he feels the same. I get so addicted to people that I can't slip away and realize how _irrational _I'm being; I'm always being.

Sometimes in life, we are given options. Choose one or the other. What do you love more? _Who_ do you love more? We're driven by fate and some kind of cynical God himself to decide what means more. Those options create us as people.

My mother chose to be with my father her last day. Was that her final decision? Lover over life? He created pieces of her that are forever banished to the murkiest depths of those waves; the waves that were my childhood.

I wonder what kind of decisions created me. Shit that's supposed to matter didn't really matter at all in the scheme of things. Inanimate objects and ideas become feelings and eventually fractions of me. I guess that's the kind of person everyone is- or maybe it's just me.

Yet again.

It's like this one-sided relationship I have with Axel. Sometimes I think so hard about how much I want it that I see it in his actions or words. I spend so much time dreaming and imagining that it seeps into my reality and I'm left so unsatisfied and alone, with the hand of my best friend locked in my own because we were 'always that way' and because I'm madly in fucking love with him.

Axel is touchy and careful with all people. He hoists Xion up the same way he holds me. He flashes the same polite smile for everyone. I'm stupid and naive to think it's just for me. Why would it be? Why should he care? While he lets his feelings go I'm holding mine back and it kills me. It slaughters me. It is a force that lives within me, awakened by darkness and plummeting attitudes, closeness and distance. It's a voice that resounds in my head : a reminder, a 'You're not good enough', 'You never will be good enough', 'You never were good enough'. I'm not supposed to feel this way for a man. It's supposed to be Namine, or Olette from the Clocktower. It's supposed to be a decent girl next door or any girl for that matter- but instead I'm chasing after valedictorian lawyer from the wealthiest family in town. I'm holding the hand of the boy whose mother runs the Christian Mothers Club, and whose father brags about him at company golf trips and at the rich cocktails and at gallery openings.

And no matter what I do and no matter how much I warn myself about the fire I'm playing with, I can't get that fucking idiot out of my head.

"Wow." Axel breathes and I know where we are.

We're here, the usual spot.

Axel lets go of my hand and outstretches his arm. The leather of his jacket creaks and his scarf sloshes as water bleeds from the fabric. I can't see the colors except for his red hair, his glowing eyes. Like a rifle they trace his line of view.

The chairs and tents we'd set up here are all gone. Most of the clearing is grown over. The rocks we'd drawn on time and time again are further in the edge of the clearing and Axel's reaching towards them in curiosity, squinting as though it'll help make the markings clearer.

I flip out my cellphone from the inside of my hoodie under my jacket and hope its dry enough for the back light to work. I curse the idea me and Axel had got to go barefoot- our shoes were so soaked and it was too cold to wear them anymore- and crouch down next to him wielding the phone and scanning it through the air over the rocks.

For a while we don't see anything, we're just watching the light ricochet from the slick rocks with baited breath. Then finally we see tiny scrawls and random letters in black. We can't make them make words, we can't make the tiny pictures to make sense, it's just there. The canvas isn't wiped clean but it doesn't make any sense and it's not important.

It's comforting in a sense to know that a part of us is still here and yet, it feels like we were never here at all.

Axel reaches into his jacket pocket and takes out the sharpie he always keeps on hand. He scratches his name in, writes Sherlock and hands the pen to me.

I finish my own name along with adding Watson beside it.

I reach into the inside pocket of my jacket and pull out a tiny fleck of moms ashes and let a pinch of her go because I know its beautiful here. Like us, this is one of the many places she belonged. She settles into the damp ground and I feel like maybe I could cry again but I don't. I hand the sharpie back to Axel and he nods like he understands. I feel like he does.

I try to think of poetry but I can't so I just tell him:

"You were right."

He smiles and runs his hand through his matted hair, "I'm always right."

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	4. Three Thousand : Fourty Five

_Chapter Four - Three Thousand : Fourty Five  
><em>

_"You're my toybox_

_You're my memories_

_When I smell your skin you just make my whole world weep_

_I'm at your feet_

_I'm at your feet"_

_I'm drowning myself. I'm twisting and twirling and suffocating. I don't know how I got here but I can't get out. I'll never get out. The lights are fading and the world is blurring and I'm just sinking and sinking and **sinking**. The brutal pressure of water piled on water is crushing me and pressing down hard, clenching my hands and legs and my head. I'm so tired and weak and powerless to the steady pull and magnetism of the never ending current, the bottom which never seems to come. I want so speak but I don't know what I'll say. The desperation is going to sleep and laying dormant within me and I'm left with acceptance and knowing. My head is pounding so hard I'm mistaking it for my heartbeat. I'm so deep now that the water is black and light flickers from the surface, waving goodbye. I see someone but I don't recognize them. The distortion is making their reflection dash from images of my father to Axel and back again.  
><em>

_I feel like I know him. I feel like I'm close to him even though there's thousands of pounds of liquid separating us. Hands pierce the veil of water but there's too many- maybe they're all on the surface. Maybe they're waiting for me. I'm too tired now. It's too late, I've given up, I just want to sleep. No more trying. I'm worthless anyway._

_A pair of hands find me from the bottom of the depths that I'm still falling towards. The water shatters like glass, the world gives way to darkness and doves soar further above me- silently. I see light from below me, shades of purples and pinks, white and blues. The dry and waterlogged hands clench me tighter, creating bruises and drawing blood that flow upwards with the doves as I sink further into the atmosphere, the Earth, this hell - my personal hell._

_I'm dragged to the ground violently, shattering the stained glass that's raised in this immeasurable darkness- this forever growing darkness. Glass enters my flesh, more blood pools around me and I'm too afraid to open my eyes so I lay still and close them, listening to the jagged breath of the culprit who'd summoned me here. _

_I open my eyes to see crumpled paper swirling around the glass, getting caught in the raised forms of black in the glass that create the image- a woman? A princess? Someone I know? The black that clouded my vision refuses to leave- a side effect and souvenir from the drowning. I raise my hand, covered in blood, trying to steady myself. I know I must rise. I know the beast waits for me, impatiently. I will not anger it further. _

_No escape._

_I can't get up. The glass imbedded in my hands pushes further in as I lay it over the surface, scraping into my bones and making me yell. The sound is muted before it can come out and I realize I'm soundless. I feel gloved hands reach for my arms and I force myself to keep my eyes open. The soundless figure helps me up and steps back, their face and body covered in leather and a hood- I can't tell who they are._

_A thousand voices cry and groan as I turn to focus on the monster, the monster with eyes like mine and hair that rivals the sun. She's petrified and beautiful, mouth slack and skin sunken, wrinkled with too much water, too much fluid._

_It cries and I'm reduced to tears shaking and wishing I was still on the ground, feeling like I'm still falling or the entire universe is falling over me. _

_A thousand voices resonate but the voice in my head that isn't mine and whispers is the only one I hear. _

_'This is your fault.'_

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"You okay? Bad dream?"

I'm shaking and my pillow is soaked in tears I don't remember crying. On top of that, I don't remember getting here. We were at the usual spot, weren't we? I scan the area, nothings amiss in my room aside from the fact that I'm in it. I'm in my apartment, lovingly cradled with blankets in my bed, and Axel is standing in the doorway sipping from a mug.

I look to the floor to see a pizza box and crumpled papers that probably have something on them. Two game cube controllers are left out on the mock hardwood floor, but I don't remember playing them. I don't remember doing any of these things. I notice the cold sweat that has collected over me and how damp I feel and how much pulse is racing but I'm trying to catch my breath and not say something stupid. The playful smile melts from Axel's face and he enters the room, sitting carefully on the bed by my feet. He lays a hand on my legs, eyebrows furrowed.

"Man oh man, kid, you okay?"

I don't say anything, trying to set up my words before I say them so I don't sound so stupid. What _happened_?

I knew I was dreaming, but I could barely remember what about. There was falling, cold, a cloaked figure...

"I had a bad dream," I croak. "What time is it?"

Axel lets out a sound akin to 'um' and rises. He shuffles to the right hand corner of the room to his briefcase and draws out a Rolex. He's in a wife beater that's too loose, the holes for arms falling near the end of his chest. I notice his boxers and start to panic even further. When did that happen?

"It's three fourty five," He begins, laying the expensive watch on my dresser. He smiles again, throws himself onto the bed like he's a rag doll himself, and turns to face me, drawing the blankets up and over himself before getting completely comfortable.

"Did you sleep here?"

"Yeah, the couch wasn't comfy, remember?"

"No..."

"Talk about blank with a capital b."

I can feel his skin dangerously close to mine. I can smell coffee, light coffee on his breath, his hair that doesn't smell like rain- he must've showered. He laughs, choking out the silence of the dead of the night.

"When did we get home?"

"Not sure," Axel flops onto his back, nuzzling his shoulders against the back of the pillows he has stacked strategically to elevate himself. He yawns. "We drove back to town and stopped at that pizza place. We got back here and played some Pokemon and shit, then you got it in your head to try and draw some of them. I think you got to sleep at about one?"

My stomach drops.

"Why does it matter? Dream still lingering?" He's smiling so I know he's not mad but he's nervous now and I can tell from the way the gleam isn't held in his eyes as he speaks. "Is it because we're sleeping in the same bed?"

"No, I think it's just the dream," I lie, faking a smile. I doubt its as good as Axels fake smiles, but I try anyways. I make an effort to make sure the corners of my eyes wrinkle.

"Because we used to sleep like this when we were kids, I totally understand we're not kids anymore but we're both guys, right? Not a big deal." Axel continues, not even noticing my reply, "I could go sleep in on the couch, I'd get it-"

"Axel, it's _okay_." I grin for real now, laying a hand on his arm for reassurance.

"You sure?" Axel turns to face me, punctuating the fact that he's serious.

"Of course."

He relaxes. I can feel it just by looking at the way his shoulders sink further into the pillows and how he smiles in reply.

"Any more Q and A?" He kids, rubbing his eyes lazily to keep himself awake. I doubt I'll be able to fall back asleep.

"No, I think I'm going to go shower," The separation from Axel right now would do wonders for my mental state and the cold water would probably calm me and coax memories from hiding. "Maybe get something to eat too, you want anything?"

"No, I'm good." Axel lets his eyes close as I rise from the bed. "I'm not the morning type like you."

"Alright," I route through my drawer until I find some suitable clothes, track pants and a slouchy shirt. I doubt I'm going anywhere at three in the morning. "Sweet dreams."

I close the door behind me and slide down it, cradling my head in my hands.

What the fuck.

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I have the shower running as I undress. I leave the lights off, the nightlight that I have plugged in is more than enough for my adjusted eyes. I have the shower set to cold to freeze my foolish blood that rushes too fast and makes me think too quick. I stand in the mirror, gazing at myself.

I pick at my cheeks, stare at the eyes that are the reflection of my mothers. I brush the blonde hair that is the spitting color of dads out of my face.

It's weird how different I am from everyone else in the fact that I'm so light. I blend into the background like some kind of ghost. Even now, I look sickly, just as always. I don't like the way my nose sits on my face or how my eyes and nose are so feminine, so weak. I still hold the eyes of a child, when every other male around me has wise eyes, strong jaws, thin lips. Right now my cheeks are a strange shade of pink, probably because I'm thinking way too hard about how bad of a situation I'm in and how much I've wondered about and fantasized about what _could_ have happened minutes ago.

I slip in the shower and cringe at the icy water. I bite my lip, close my eyes tight and turn in it, letting it coat my body. The heat is sucked away and flushes down the drain while I shiver and force myself to open my hands, lift my arms, let the cold sink into me. I stay like that for a while, face first in the stream of water, freezing half to death with wobbly legs and just letting the it pour down my face and over my shoulders until it floods to the ground.

I jolt forwards as I hear three loud knocks at my front door. It's followed by multiple rings of my doorbell. I carefully exit, scrubbing shampoo from my hair and quickly towel drying myself before throwing on clothes. I hear Axel shuffle abruptly in my bedroom, hear the closet open, hear the window open, rustling of papers and sheets.

The knocking is getting louder and more frantic.

I have no idea what to expect once I open this door. I put my hand on the door handle and listen to the sound of my front door hitting the wall of my porch.

No escape.

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_AN: So guys I hate to have to write something here that isn't the story, but I'd love to thank Timeless Moment for the review. Go check out her stories, they're pretty sick! :) _

_I'm just letting you all know that reviews help remind me that I have a story to be writing, the more I get is generally going to make me write faster. It'd also help to get some kind of input because I have no idea if anyone actually likes this story. At all. (except for my really good friend who helps me spell check and grammar check. I'm awful at those kinds of things, this story couldn't exist without her) So yeah guys, thanks for actually reading this far. i'm surprised that anyone added this story to their favorite/tracked list, so thanks for that too. 3_


	5. Seeing Double

_Chapter Five: Seeing Double  
><em>

_" Memories bring no joy or peace _

_we are alone and all we need.._

_I'll lead you into love and regret_

_you have the answers_

_I have the key"_

* * *

><p>"Roxas Strife! We have a search warrant, you're under arrest!"<p>

I can't evaluate any way to get out of my situation. Do I give up or give in? Do I run from this- the fear that's building like plaque in my veins and making my whole world swim?

I know I'm not guilty but I need to run. I need to run and get as far away as I can. I need to escape and if I don't I feel like I might explode- better yet implode. It'll start with these incessant butterflies that are pounding against the walls of my stomach.

"Roxas Strife! Exit the building with your hands up! You're under arrest!"

There's another voice, feminine- but still as harsh as the first. I try to swallow to clear my pallet and to just clear my thoughts. Everything is tensing to the point where I couldn't move if I wanted to, heart clenching desperately- too much blood, too much blood.

I want to vomit but I can't because it'll give me away. I hold my breath and take clumsy steps backwards, nearly falling over the sink. The door opens and I'm left staring at sets of police uniforms and handguns. The handcuffs come out from the woman's hands and like a strike of lighting she's over me, forcing my hands behind my back and pushing my head downwards into the still wet sink. I can't catch anything except the feeling of porcelain against flesh, the taste of metal building in my mouth- too much blood, too much blood.

"You have the right to remain silent," Her voice is high pitched and hurried. She's pulling me upwards along with her partner who refuses to let go of my handcuffed arms. "Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?"

I'm being shoved from the hall now. I can barely register what the woman is saying to me but she's yelling it and making herself loud and clear. I choose to remain silent- I can't think of anything to say. Nothing I can say would make any sense.

"Do you _understand_, Mister Strife?" Her voice holds a toxic edge that makes the desire to run skyrocket. Even though she had asked me a question, her displeased tone made it hard to believe it was one. I nod, close my eyes and try to imagine I'm elsewhere. "Luxord, tell the others to check the bathroom."

I want to groan because the police officer talks over me like I'm not even there to her associate. I literally have to bite my tongue to choke out the screaming I want to do and all of the things I want to say in this moment, such as 'where the fuck is Axel' and 'where are you taking me' but I know. I know exactly where I'm going and I'm horrified. As the air changes from familiar to damp I know we've stepped outside. The woman is the only one beside me now, hand linked around my arm like we're fifth graders. She's yelling out to a man standing beside a cop car, waving her free hand. I'm thinking about so much at the same time that I'm thinking about nothing. My mind is clear and full of white noise, blurring and winding and winding. I open my mouth a couple of times but my voice won't come out. The sirens wail from the cop cars, roaring so that the whole street can wonder what's happening, so my neighbors can wake up and watch me get shoved into this tight car, hands knotted uncomfortably behind my back, shoulders aching. The blonde opens the side door, shoves my head down and pushes me inside like she's packing some kind of bread. I can't make out who's in front of the grate that's blocking me from seeing the front of the car but I can see all of the people on the front yard now. There has to be at least ten, let alone the amount of people still inside, looking through all my possessions...

I shuffle in the back of the car, adverting my eyes from the red and blue lights casting themselves on my lawn. I sigh and watch the alleyways. It isn't long until I'm leaving, the engine is rumbling calmly underneath me.

Just as the female officer slips into the front and we start to pull out, I notice bright red far in the alley across the street, shrinking and getting darker, moving farther away and closer to the main part of town.

Axel.

* * *

><p>"I'm your friend," The blonde officer chirps, façade completely different than when I'd first saw her. She lays her navy hat onto the wooden table; eyes bright and wide awake even at this early hour. Her hair is slicked backwards, two stray pieces betraying and licking upwards. "Roxas, right?" I know she knows my name of by heart but I nod anyways. "We're going to ask you a couple questions, is that okay?"<p>

She's talking to my like one would talk to a puppy, or a first grader. I nod again, adding a 'sure', rolling my wrist so that my bondaged arm doesn't ache as much. I feel claustrophobic so close to this woman in this tiny room surrounded by glass mirrors- where I can see me and so can everyone else. The only light strains through a hanging lamp with an old uv light bulb. It makes me queasy to look at, but I think I just might be queasy in general.

"How old are you?"

I know what she's doing but I don't let on. She's trying to set up a base for my reactions, the truth and the lies. By asking me stupid questions she clearly knows the answers to, she'll be able to gauge just what kind of note she's struck when she asks the tough questions like : _Did you really kill your mother?_

"Nineteen." Just old enough to go to _real_ jail.

"Okay," She's drumming her acrylic nails against the wood of the table, "Do you go to school?"

"No," I stare at a point in the mirror, directly into my own eyes instead of the woman's face. "I work at the Clocktower."

"Oh, what a nice restaurant," She beams, sharper canines than I'd expected. I keep trying to see through her but she catches my attention. The lack of concrete sleep is finally getting to me. "I go there all the time. What do you do when you're not working?"

"I like to draw and write."

"How _quaint_," She giggles fakely like the preschooler she's treating me like and adds, "you can call me Constable Larxene, okay?"

"Okay."

"What are your friends like?"

"I don't hang around with people much; I'm too busy with my job." That's a half lie. I have the feeling that if Axel fled I shouldn't bring him up.

"Do you have a lawyer?" She's gazing at her perfectly gelled nails now, obviously bored that none of the 'simple' questions she's asking me are eliciting any kind of interesting answers.

"Yes." I reply, drawing my chained hand upwards to brush my bangs from my face without realizing it's locked in place. It makes a loud scrape noise and I just let my arm go loose again helplessly.

She hands me a cell phone to my free hand. The time is officially five fifty five. I would normally laugh at that kind of coincidence, but instead I frantically dial Axel's cell phone number, praying with all my heart. I don't know what I'm doing here and I have no idea what I'm supposed to say aside from what Axel has explained to me through phone calls in passing about his job.

The dial tone is the worst thing. I worry that he could have left his phone at my house, and I could end up on the line with another officer, like Luxord or the burly men that had forced me out of the house.

The second dial tone sounds.

I close my eyes and tilt my head upwards, suppressing tears. I need Axel here, beside me. I don't care about his professional record, his 100% winning streak of every case he's fought, 'all ten'. I just want that idiot redhead beside me to hold my hand and to pretend like nothings wrong. I want to hear his laugh and to have him take care of me like I'm something precious and worthy and lovely.

The third dial tone sounds.

I try to bring my other hand to my face but its still chained. I lay my head on the table and wait, wait and hope with all belief that if I stay on the line that Axel's going to pick up. He's going to pick up and he'll say _Heya kiddo_ and I'll say _Hey dumbass_ and he'll drive up in his pickup and tell everyone that it was just a big misunderstanding and we'll head back to my house and curl up in the same bed and be close and I'll go to sleep, I promise I'll go to sleep.

"Axel," A familiar voice whispers over the small speaker of the phone.

"Axel? It's Roxas." I want to tell him everything but I assume he knows – he always knows. He cuts me off before I can continue.

"Oh, Roxas Strife, right?" His voice sounds strange and milkier. I can hear his counterfeit smile through his voice. "Do you require my assistance, your brother called me earlier today, I believe?"

"Yeah, I need a lawyer to back me up here, I'm at the police station here in town," I know Axel knows what I'm talking about but I'm shocked that he's pretending he has no clue who the hell I am. "I figured you'd be the best one to ask."

"Well of course I'll help you out, I'll need a flat rate of two hundred fifty an hour, got it memorized?" He's convincing me that he's not him. I don't know where this is coming from and it's driving me crazy. "I'll come up to the station so we can discuss your rights and we can figure out what charges are being laid on you exactly."

Larxene left as some point in the conversation but I'm nervous to let anything slip so I just tell Axel okay and try to make my hands stop shaking.

"Don't worry about it kiddo, it'll be okay," I hear Axel's voice, my Axel over the line, "I have a 100% success rate. I'm not about to lose a case now."

With that his voice breaks even to static and the pitch drops to a low droning note. I know he's gone. I lay the phone on the table and just contemplate things I'd never had a chance to before and realize how much I'd taken for granted, including Axel himself.

* * *

><p>"The reason you're here," Axel begins, back straight and words cutting even straighter. "Is because they see you as the prime suspect- seeing as there were no other suspects identified, there is what appears to be your fingerprints on the presumed murder weapons and canoe used to drag Miss Rosa Strife to the middle of the lake. You have no solid alibi and multiple witnesses so far have pointed the finger at you," He leans against the slick table, the saturated light blooming with his hair like the strands were a watercolor itself. "We also have a motive- you're in her will, and you're getting a really decent amount of money. Taking into account where you live, where you work and what you're doing with your life, it leads the majority of the officials here believing you are guilty. They're just taking precautions with you because one particular witness has told us about a <em>streak<em> you have. "

"What are you even talking about-"

"We'll get to that later." He gazes at his papers from his open briefcase that is spread out haphazardly onto the table. "They think you're the murderer and the majority of people here are ready and willing to send you to court and incarceration. Even though you look like you're young, you're going to end up in jail due to your age. You're aware of that, correct?"

It's bothering me so much with how professional Axel is being. I want to hit him, I want to scream and I want to run away. The feeling of loose blood is swelling within me and the butterflies grow in numbers. Black threatens my vision. I feel like I don't exist, like me and Axel don't exist.

"Yeah," I find myself saying weakly, the only thing keeping me holding my upright position being my cuffed wrist.

"I'm not going to give you any kind of shit though," Axel looks at me now, my Axel shining through. He's coming to the end of his speech, the end of the words that he spouts out to all of his customers, to all of his mock clients and preparation interviews. "I just need you to come clean and tell me: Are you guilty or not guilty?"

He waits for a few moments for dramatic effect. I wonder for a moment why he's asking the question- he knows I'm not. I can't understand his game and I can't get into his head. I wonder briefly if he's just fucking with me, if this is another level of torture he can string me through like the grasp he has over my heart. I tell myself I'm being irrational but I can't shake the feeling. The persona he's playing up seems just too real.

"I'm not guilty." I reply, trying to get green eyes to connect with mine. They don't.

"You're sure?"

"I would never kill my own mother. I loved her so much."

"Last chance, kiddo. If you're guilty and don't tell me now, we're going to be fighting a losing battle."

"_I didn't **kill** my mother._"

I notice how Axel's pacing around the room now, holding his paper in his hands with his face directed down at them. His eyes keep darting to the glass single sided windows, he'll look for a moment, take a step. Is he looking for a blind spot? The tape on the table is still spinning. Whoever is staring at us from the other side can hear everything I'm saying, can see my face from numerous angles, see my every reaction. Each calculation is taken into detail. There are so many flaws in the system that anything can throw it off- stemming from any kind of guilt such as something as simple as guilt from skipping class, sexual arousal, and physical pain. Each sets off the scale and can cause innocent people to fail a polygraph. Simple.

Just knowing this fact caused my nerves to fry. I couldn't be nervous but that thought made me more nervous. I couldn't be attracted to Axel so that made me more attracted to Axel. The handcuffs hurt me but I couldn't let them hurt me- yet every time I made an adjustment they hurt worse.

"Okay, so whats your alibi? Anyone ask you yet?" Axel's standing in a corner now, red ink pen in one hand and molskine in the other. "It needs to be solid, we're going to have to call people."

Before I can say anything Axel speaks over me like I'd spoken an answer.

"Reno? Oh, yes, I saw you at the Clocktower, I think. I knew I recognized you from somewhere, that must be there. You served me, you're a waiter there." I don't know who the hell Reno is but I'm assuming its someone I'm supposed to know so I just say 'yes' and Axel continues. "Well, I'll just have to call Reno and make sure he can be your witness, we'll need another employee from the Clocktower as well to vouch for you."

"You can call Hayner," I mumble but I know that's exactly what Axel is thinking. From the way Hayner treated the two of us last night I'm assuming he'd back us up. Or he'd blow the cover Axel had been trying to set up all night of us being 'strangers'. I give him Hayners number and Axel dials right away. By this point it's seven o'clock and Hayner picks up as though on que. Axel's grinning like an idiot, explaining the situation like the professional he is. He pushes the speaker button:

"Oh yeah, Roxas was working here until nine the day his mother died, he left with a redhead I think?"

Axel's grin grows wider. He knew this would happen. He knew Hayner would mix up both days. I can only assume Reno's a redhead.

Axel's a genius.

"Perfect, do you have the records that he was working?"

"Yeah, I can get a copy of them if you want..."

"No, no, it's okay." Axel says a quick goodbye, we'll keep in touch, and hangs up. He kicks his feet up over the table and beams. He draws his notebook closer to his waist and begins to scrawl down numbers and what seems like the entire conversation. For all I know he could be drawing flames and unicorns. That seems more like him.

"Am I stuck here?"

"No, precautionary measure. You're the prime suspect, but if we look at this evidence it looks like they bit the bullet too fast." Axel turns the tip of his pen towards his mouth, thinking. "You'll need to do all the DNA tests, they'll take two to three hours. They'll also set you up with an officer for further contact throughout the rest of this case, seeing as you're a major suspect. If there's no significant evidence tying you to the case they can't keep you overnight."

I watch as Axel lays down his notebook. He seems to be glad that I've noticed, and he quickly flashes his eyes to the page. I read it. _Give me a name of someone else. _

"I think my father killed her." I admit. It came from nowhere, unannounced. I'm assuming that's what Axel meant and the way he tries to suppress his success smile tells me I'm right.

"Really? Okay, we'll get in touch with your father then. Your DNA is probably very closely linked..." He scrawls something in his notebook again, keeping a little quiet. For the first time I feel a little bit safer, having him in the room and next to me. At the same time I feel unsafe because he's acting like I'm not real, like we never existed.

Larxene makes her way through the door and looks at little shocked at Axel's presence. She looks at me in disbelief, then back at him. I can almost hear her thoughts: _how could **he** afford **him**?_

I smile a little because I realize this is another level to Axel's game. This disproves my motive.

Axel_ is_ a genius.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Thanks again to everyone who has tracked this story or added it to their favorites .Also a big thank you to <em>**lovelessinred** _for the review! You seriously made my day! I always appreciate it and I really love getting them ! :$ I'm also sorry the story is a little boring. I try to make it as exciting as I can- don't worry, I've got plenty in store for you. This isn't anywhere near the end! Again, need I remind you, it's M for a reason (although that reason probably won't show itself until later chapters). Thanks for reading, if you have any input that you would like to let me know about, anything you want me to add, characters from Kingdom Hearts/Final Fantasy that you want me to add let me know so I can get them in here! For example, if you want Zemyx, tell me you want Zemyx. If you want Soriku, let me know. I'm not sure what to put in so I've kind of left that stuff up to the readers interpretation. I don't know how many times I can say thanks but I'm pretty sure it's not enough to express how THANKFUL I am. I love you all, and I promise I'll stop making authors notes. I just feel like I need to just tell you guys about how I feel. All of you. -this is where I would put a heart but this website always cuts them out- :) I'll try to post on a weekly basis but I can't promise that because I'm so busy with school and I have a tendency to forget about my writing projects, I have four on the go at the moment. Sorry in advance, guys!  
><em>


	6. Daydreaming in Technicolor

_Chapter 6:Daydreaming in Technicolor  
><em>

_"Goodbye my friends  
>Goodbye to the money<br>Adieu to the fuckers that think that it's funny."_

* * *

><p>"I'd stay at your house again but it'd look suspicious, besides I doubt you could get any sleep with this sexy bod sleeping next to you," Axel winks as he hands me a stack of papers. "Those are just some things you can look over in passing. Seriously though, get some sleep. I'll pick you up in the morning and we'll do something to get our minds off of this train wreck."<p>

I smile and take the papers, opening up the slender car door. Without thinking, I reach over and pull Axel into a hug. He chuckles a little at me but doesn't hesitate. I sigh as his arms sink around me and wish it would be socially acceptable for me to stay like this, to close the car door and just melt into his arms. I know it's not so I just let go politely and slip from the car, walking to the door because I know Axel won't leave until he knows I can get into my apartment. There's no sign of any police officers here- which is strange because they were sprawled everywhere on my lawn like ants only hours ago. All things considered, I don't own that much anyway. There couldn't have been a great deal to sort through.

When I get inside I don't bother to think about anything, I just make myself a cup of tea and sit in the dual chaired breakfast nook, watching the sun set and trying to let go of the feelings that were settling into me. After staring blankly for a long time, I head to my bedroom, close the door and start to strip. The Rolex is left on my dresser- another thing Axel did purposely? Or is it a gift? I don't bother to try and think. I just slide to my bed and sink into it, laying on the side Axel had slept earlier. I breathe in his scent and it lulls me to sleep. I could imagine he was there and for the first time today I could feel safe.

* * *

><p>I'm in a dark room.<p>

I feel happy, giddy and light- high off the nothingness in my empty head. I don't feel anything per say, but trying to think itself is difficult so I just sit and wait, instead of thinking just knowing. I know someone is supposed to meet me here.

From the darkness comes flesh and then light eyes. He stands before me, so calm and collected, His skin dark like the darkness surrounding him. I don't remember Him but I feel like we've met, like He's a long forgotten friend of mine, close to me. Without speaking, I'm hit with another layer of knowing, His voice reaching the quiet places that sleep in my mind.

_Our deal_

I see flashes of pictures that mean nothing to me currently, things like houses, streets, books, people, ice cream. I don't wait for them to make sense. The only thing that lays in my mind is the words and they echo, echo and echo to the point where I believe it is the only thing I know. For a moment I am those two words.

_You know the consequence_

The rhythm of my heart intensifies, a strong nostalgia of remembrance burning within me. I know the consequence. I know it with all my heart.

I can feel the soft touch of a thousand familiar hands along my cheeks, so gentle and kind, so warm and tender. It lulls me back to sleep and back into that happy forgiving buzz, back the way I was when things were okay. I can feel the summer heat sinking into my flesh, each ray so nice, so warm. I'm so comfortable. I am okay.

Slowly the darkness gives way to the light. My eyes are closed and everything's red, red like the feeling that dwells within me, a memory, a reminder- go home, go home, go home, I'm here, I need you.

Before I know it I'm on the shore, clean although I'm laying on heaps of loose sand. I remember this place. It takes a moment because at first I just gather myself, bask in the sun, eventually standing up and scanning the coastline. I've been here. I've lived here. If only I could remember.

I spend a while like that, just wondering. My mind is still washed clean and the more I search the further the thoughts scramble. I'm left sighing and feeling like something is missing, I can't pinpoint what. The mountains are in reverse and the trees are brilliant shades, purples and golden. I'm tempted to swim in the water but I can't get close enough. Every time I take a step close it shyly retreats from me, sinking further to the mirrored mountains. I want to feel it but I can only feel that comfort, that high.

_Come, thirteen._

I start walking in the direction that makes the most sense. The further I get away from that lake the more strange and disoriented I feel. Slowly ideas are fed to me, things like grade four classes and that teacher we had, mister... mister...

It's useless. I'll never remember his name.

The people are all faceless and it's meaningless. I know that I need to keep going or this might all end. I need to get to the finish line before it calls quits on me. Finally, I'm at the porch of a tiny cabin. It's glittering in the heavy doses of sun, the wood refracting the light and making my head spin when I looked directly at it. I take one step, then climb over the porch and into the house. I know my way around.

I've been here.

There's no furniture inside, no dust, no people, none of the images I receive in my head make sense about this place. Instead there is a letter wrapped in lace on the floor, titled to me. I know it is. There aren't any letters or names but there has never been anything more _me_.

_I did this because I love you._

These are the only words I see and as I start to wake to realizations, my mother- this is from my mother- I'm starting to fall again and the water starts to seep from the top of the sky and I'm drowning again, falling and falling and falling...

* * *

><p>"...So that's when I said to him, hell no! We've got something in <em>common<em>, I care about the kid, you know? Then he said 'you're still a crib robber flamesilocks' and really, crib robber? Flamesilocks? He couldn't think of anything better?"

Here I am again. I'm at a zoo, with Axel and he's acting like I didn't just wake up here and come to existence spontaneously. I have no idea what he's talking about so I just nod my head. If this is going to become a regular occurrence I don't know what else I can do.

"I mean, I'm not a crib robber because we're not together. We've been friends since we were both in the crib! You know? You can't be a friend crib robber, you're just-"

"Guys, you practically _are_ together, admit it already." Xion? How long was she here?

"No. And I'm not gay. And I'm not a crib robber."

"Axel, if what Xigbar said bothered you that much-"

"It didn't!"

"What day is it today?" I blurt out. I have to know.

"Saturday?" Axel turns to look at me strangely. He's lapping at a sea salt ice cream. So was I apparently. It's running down my fingertips and causing everything to stick. I didn't even notice.

"No, what day?"

Now Xion turns to look at me strangely. She raises an eyebrow, looks at Axel, then back at me.

"It's the fifteenth."

"Of March?"

"Of _April_..." Axel looks weired out, he hands his sea salt ice cream to Xion and stops walking, putting one hand on my shoulder and the other over my forehead. "You feelin' okay kiddo?"

"See! Look at you two! I mean, come on Axel, I've known you since the day I was born and I'm the only one out of us who can even see it-"

"I agree with my sister, you know," Namine too? Namine was on the mainland, wasn't she? Is it April? This is a joke. It's a huge joke. Axel must have drugged a glass of water he'd given me-

It all flashes back to me. The impending incarceration, the lawsuit, the way Axel had easily gotten the heat off of me in less than an hour. Moms dead. Moms dead. I was walking home, into my house...

I feel sick to my stomach and I have to hold onto Axel's arms. I can feel the heat drain from my face and even though the spring sun is beaming down on the four of us I can't feel it. Axel is calling my name but I feel like maybe I could just slip back into the black now and be done with it. I don't get this, I don't understand, I don't want to understand. What else do I not know? What have I been doing? Who am I? I know the name Axel is yelling out is mine but am I the Roxas I was a month ago? This is a dream. It has to be.

"Roxas!"

My vision caves and I feel like maybe I do too. I can't tell. For a moment I feel as though I'm floating, soundlessly and painlessly. The words, the words I know that are from Him come to me and it seems like it all makes sense for a brief moment.

_Forget it_

Axel slowly comes back into my vision but I'm in the backseat of a car. Namine and Xion are here with us so I assume I wasn't out for that long. _Forget it. Forget it._

"You're finally awake, are you okay?" Xion raises her head from my shoulder and lays a hand on my forehead. "You fell asleep as soon as we got in the car and you've been acting strange _all_ day. Did you get enough sleep?"

Axels watching me from the rear view mirror but keeping quiet. I wonder if its something Namine has him up to or if its something I've said. Namines sitting next to Axel up front, her hands dangerously close to his. Are they together? Did they get together? I feel the panic swell within me but the words stir themselves, _forget it, forget it, forget it_. So I do.

"Yeah, I just feel a little weird. Axel, you left your Rolex at my apartment-"

Axel looks a little frightened now, I can see the way his eyebrows narrow at my words. "Roxas, you're wearing it. I gave it to you."

I sit there for a second in a dazed shock. I then raise my wrist and what do you know, there it is. It's right there. Seven o'clock.

"Roxas, are you _sure_ you're okay?" Xion adds, lips pouted.

"This is my stop, dear." Namine quietly chimes in. She hasn't said a thing to me all day- or at least that I can remember. I try to convince myself that she calls everyone dear but the fact that she's saying it to Axel, _my_ Axel is making my blood boil. Axel smiles at this, stops the car slowly and gently, leans over and opens her door for her. She hugs him and she exits. I feel like screaming. I have to dig my nails into my arm so I don't blurt out anything and embarrass myself any further. I'm pretty sure that I look like enough of an idiot as it is.

"Have a nice flight tomorrow, we love you!" Xion cries out getting from the car herself as she and Namine slip out. Axel nods and I just give a weak thumbs up. I'd love you too if I knew what was going on. It was always unwritten rule that it was just me and Axel, we never dated anyone else. We were just close and people seemed to respect that.

All in all I guess it's my fault. Axel doesn't know that I feel this way. I haven't ever told him. We aren't in a relationship so I can't expect him to stay waiting around for me. He could have moved on. On top of that, Axel isn't even gay as far as I know. His parents would never allow it and quite frankly Axel would never stoop to that level, especially to be with someone on the same level as me. I'm nothing for him. I'm a constant pain in the ass, extra baggage, somebody elses leftovers. He strives to work with me, to help me with whatever I need help with, and I just briefly thank him or try to run away from him and all the feelings he encompasses. I don't deserve his kindness. People like me and him are never supposed to be friends.

His life would be a hell of a lot less confusing without me.

"You aren't okay." Axel quietly mumbles as the doors slam shut and the girls run in to their hotel.

"What?"

"Roxas, you aren't okay. Don't act like you are." Axel looks in the rear view mirror now, into my eyes. He holds his gaze. "I'm not oblivious and I'm not stupid either."

I feel weak to my stomach and excited at the same time. He wasn't angry but he wasn't happy. He was concerned. Does he know about how messed up our relationship is? Does he feel the same about me?  
>The scenery starts to pass us by but I don't recognize any of it. We keep driving and driving and I can't bring myself to say anything and from the sounds of things neither can he. We pull into a hotel parking lot and he stops.<p>

After tonight I don't think anything is ever going to be the same as it was ever again.

There's a dull sound in my head but I can't quite place it.

_for..._

_...get_

* * *

><p><em>hey guys so yeah, heres this chapter. I'd like to thank <em>la fleur d'or _**very very** much for the review, its seriously very appreciated! I know the story is kind of being slow right now but don't worry guys its going to get more exciting. Give it some time and stuff will make sense guuys. Also seriously. If no one gives me any kind of idea what other pairings to put in here... ILL MAKE AXEL STRAIGHT ILL DO IT I will no joke i will and you will all suffer - so for the greater good of the fan fiction community you should save Axel and Roxas from a romantic life outside of each other and help me -the most indecisive person on the face of the planet- decide who to pair with who. Thank you, thank you. I have the other chapter written atm but I'm probably going to post it once I get time to edit it ect. So keep checking back because this should be updated soon. (hopefully). I love you guys and am so glad that people actually read this thing. Thanks again! _


	7. Quicker

_Chapter Seven: Quicker_

_"Come here, stay with me_

_Stroke me by the hair_

_Because I would give anything, anything_

_to have you as my man"_

* * *

><p>It's early.<br>The sun hits the bed I've been cocooned in for what feels like years. The rays hit my flesh and sink there, deep within my bones and for once I feel motivated, some form of excited and determined to go and do something with this day, with every day.  
>My feet hit the floor and I stare out the window, <em>my<em> window. I'm just me in this moment, this moment where the sun is kissing my skin and I'm swimming in warmth and acceptance.  
><em>Summer.<em>

"Come back to bed..."  
>A groan from my bed, belonging to those whose locks that look like they're on fire in the glitter of light. Axel hoists himself up a little, rubbing around his eyes and then through his hair. His skin wrinkles as he strains to safeguard his eyes from the intense light I've let loose in the room from throwing the curtains open, but it doesn't seem to help him much. He holds out his arms to me, something I've never really seen him do and out of curiosity I gaze at myself in the mirror on my wall. Am I still me?<br>The memories flash back to me as I gaze at the sick person staring back at me in the mirror. The sun doesn't feel as nice. In fact, maybe the heat is making me sick. My stomach lurches and I dreadfully close the blinds.  
>I don't recognize the emaciated figure looking back at me.<p>

"Sleep'll help you," Axel's still trying to convince me, oblivious as he always is in the morning. "You can be a ray of light later in the day."  
>"Okay."<p>

I don't bother now. I don't know what I'm getting help with. I'm so lost. I wonder how many years I've wandered through like this, and who has wandered through them. I'm glad Axel is here. I'm thankful. Even though I'm in this apartment, that's written under my name, it doesn't feel like it's mine. The clothes I'm wearing don't feel like they belong to me. The air I breathe is borrowed.  
>But Axel is my anchor.<br>As I slip into his heated embrace, listen to his calm and steady heartbeat, I just try to forget that I'm forgetting and I retrace what I think I know. Without asking, Axel runs his fingers through my hair, comforting me without even knowing I need it. I listen to his heavy breathing until I fall back to sleep, no matter how much I willed myself to stay awake.  
>For once, I wanted to just stay awake.<p>

* * *

><p>I don't know how long I was wandering through the maze of memories that felt they were anything but mine. As I slept and slept, and grew more and more comfortable in the steady dream that became my life, I grew to accept it as reality. I learned things about me, about who I was and who I'd hoped to be- ideas and concepts I'd worshiped for years were broken down until they meant nothing. What were countries? What right did some person have over me, regardless of uniform? What really separated me from anyone else? Why did anyone do anything that they did? Why would a God even matter?<br>There was such a sense of belonging there, deep inside of myself. I could feel life swell around me, the growth and decay of my cells, slowly letting go from the concrete that cemented me to the material world. I drifted through a sea of my own personal colors, in a language only I knew how to speak. Time bowed before me. I willed it to re-experience and to re-imagine, until my play toys and imaginings almost seemed better than anything I'd ever known.  
>From time to time, events would cycle to the surface of my consciousness, and I would become aware of things I was supposed to know. I started to become lucid at this point, although I was unsure as to why- I was completely happy locked away, with my imaginary Axel, the Axel who would never let go of my hand and we explored ourselves and we slept alongside each other until we nearly melted, became a single entity.<br>I would pretend and imagine the feeling of his hands scaling me and understanding me, finally, to be close to him in that way, the way I'd desired him to be for so long. We'd become so close, so close, but not close enough and I'd just crave until it was impossible to let go.  
>In my lucid moments I would cry. I was alone and in the same hospital bed. It was green. There was no one for me but that bed, that bed and the silence of over thought thoughts. I learned that if I readjusted the IV, I could be knocked out again and re invited to my intimate gathering that never-ended.<br>Some days, I could hear the wind trash against the window, embroided in the sound of my own heartbeat on the monitor, and my mind would turn against itself. I would go back through soggy moments of me and my mother until the one I'd tried so hard to forget- but was the only one I couldn't- floated in the surface like her corpse, along with questions : "Did you kill your mother?" "Are you sure?" "You're going to need to tell me the truth." "We can't charge him if we don't have anything against him." "The kid's just turned nineteen for Christ sake, you can't expect to send him to jail now, can you?" "There's no doubt he did it." "He isn't my brother! He's a killer!"  
>And I would feel my body writhe for the warmth of Axel or his soft voice that would tell me it was okay. The voice that could quell the flames that tore a part my insides, could direct my attention to him and only him. The sounds of rain slamming the window wouldn't be relevant. We could co-exist and we could be all we needed.<p>

Other days I could hear his soft voice, the voice that would drag me to the surface. He would whisper me stories, the adventure stories we'd read when we were kids and sometimes he would collapse and just cry. I would try to touch him but I was always numb in his presence. I would become lucid and he would have gone, with nothing to show for it and I was left wondering if he was there or if it was another thing I was forcing myself to imagine. A new idea I'd made up to make myself happy, to try to exist in the world that didn't want me.  
>Sometimes He will talk to me and try to tell me what He knows. I'm the thirteenth player in His game, 'the unlucky one'. When He arrives I never have any strength left to question it. He tries to tell me that I've done things, that I've done all the things. He will flash me memories and make my skin crawl, and then calm me and lull me back to the confident ignorance, begging me to 'reach my full potential' and to 'realize that you have no heart'. I wonder if He is the source of this, but He pushes the thought away by distraction. He likes to call Axel eight, but who would have come after him to reach me, the Thirteenth? How many others could there have been? He tells me what He thinks I would know and nothing else, but the Eighth, 'Axel', isn't mine. From the stories He tries to tell me, this Axel has to be someone completely different.<p>

Finally, I'm able to maintain wakefulness long enough to hold conversations with the two male nurses, both of whom commend me and hug me each time I seem to understand their thoughts. The blonde mulleted one brings me cupcakes and tells me about all the times 'that redhead' shows up and how he never had the heart to make him leave me. The bluenette who is never far from his side is quieter but kind. He's careful and calculated, yet, he seems a little bit freer when he sits with me and his close friend, the blonde. Together they ask me questions about the same things, then different, and back to the same. I can tell when I get the answers right when the blonde grins against his will.

Whenever I mention my mother, the blonde looks obviously concerned and the other frowns. They try to steer the conversation in different directions. I don't try to understand.

* * *

><p>I can hear Axel from the nook where Demyx catches up on patients paperwork. Zexion is nearby, I can hear the soft click of Zexion's shoes as they hit the clean floor. He leans his head in to check on me and grins. I smile back. Over the past while, I'd been telling them everything about me without any qualms, and in return they'd told me everything about themselves. When I thought I was friendless, they'd walked in and now I had more close friends than I'd ever had before.<br>Zexion puts his index finger to guide me to be completely quiet and I know what he's thinking. I can hear Demyx bantering away to Axel, and both me and Zexion put our hands over our mouths and try not to burst out laughing from excitement and nerves as Axel nervously listens and makes short comments on whatever Demyx tells him.  
>"He's lucid?"<br>"Better than he was when you first brought him here, that's for sure."  
>"Is he happy?"<br>"He misses you."  
>There's a pause.<br>"You know he_ really_ cares about you, right?"  
>"I really care about Roxas, so that's good."<br>Now Demyx sighs a childish sigh. I can almost see his face.  
>"No, he <em>really<em> cares about you."  
>Again, Axel is oblivious. Zexion takes this as his cue and wanders towards the cramped office. I can barely hear his voice.<br>"Roxas seems to be almost awake now, Sir, if you'd like to go on in and see him."  
>And with that Axel is in my room in nearly a second flat. I've closed my eyes so it doesn't look suspicious and I try to be very quiet. I control my breathing, soaking in Axel before he even sits down in the orange colored plastic chair beside me. He's holding something in his hands, plastic or a balloon, that crinkles every time he moves. Then he settles into the chair and takes my hand in his.<br>"Roxas, it's over, it's okay, please, wake up."  
>I don't say anything out of curiosity. I wonder how many times he's said this to me.<br>"Roxas, I'm here. I'm always here." I can smell flowers that he's holding in his spare hand. He strokes his finger down the slopes of my fingertips and tries again. "I need you to wake up now. I need you."  
>I wait, unsure. I can feel my heart beating a mile per minute and I'm glad that they don't have me connected to the monitor at this very moment.<br>"The trials over, Sora's gone, you'll never see your dad again, it's all over."  
>He chokes, his tears hit the clean sheets of my bed as he continues, "I promised I'd take care of you, I promised. Our hearts are connected, remember? We're like stars."<br>That's it. I open my eyes, leap up, and pull him into my arms. The IVs snap out of my arm and pinch against my skin, since they're taped under thin band aids for movements like these. Axel doesn't breathe or speak or hug me back or anything, and as I let him go he pulls my face to his and he kisses me.  
>There's a mixture of shock and utter disbelief on his face as he pulls back quickly, and I'm sure I look the same way. He tries to speak but instead he reaches up to touch his own lips.<br>"I'm... you're...you..."  
>He stares at me, exhaling but never inhaling and I'm scared he's going to have a panic attack. Instead of doing the same, I show no restraint in not letting this moment be the moment that haunts me forever. I grasp his tie and pull his face closer to mine desperately. Our foreheads touch and I just whisper <em>I know, I know, I know<em>, and close my own eyes before our lips meet the second time.

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><p><em>So yeah, I apologize in advance for how messed up this chapter is. I hadn't written this fic in a long time and I got a lot of ideas as to where to take this when I had time to think about it. It'll make more sense sooner, don't worry. And yes, zemyx is going to happen. As well as GenesisxSepiroth, LarxeneXNamine and ZackXCloud. Give it time though, they'll probably end up being hospital staff or something, <strong>if anyone has any ideas I'd greatly appreciate them<strong>! Thanks again to everyone who reviewed, it makes my day. I hope you don't hate this chapter. :c 3 I love you all! THIS WHOLE STORY WILL PROBABLY ALL MAKE SENSE SOON... i hope... _


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